Years ago, I was very naive… and much too afraid of my true feelings, hell didn’t even know what my feelings or lack of them meant….

I was 19, I was stationed at Fort Lewis, Washington and my best friends were Dennis and Gaylord. They watched out for me, took care of me, they introduced me to acid (and caught hell from their wives for that), took me on my first motorcycle ride, and nursed me back to health after I crashed it.

Every year, maybe twice a year, I would go home to San Jose, on leave (vacation) … and spent time with my friends, my old church gang…

While I was home on one of these trips, I met a young woman named Tam… She was 17 years old and still in High School….

I had a white Bonneville convertible and I had gained few pounds (so I was no longer skinny as a pole) and I guess she thought I was a good catch.

We whirlwind dated, thought we were in love and she ended up coming up to Fort Lewis for a couple of months during the summer, her parents spoiled her.

Anyway, I was a virgin, she was a virgin…and one thing led to another…

But the reality was…

The only way I could have sex with her, the only way “it” got hard.

was…

to think about him…

Dennis…

He looked like this…


His body was shaped like this & he took off his shirt a lot.

I loved the curve of his ass, his muscles, his easy grin, I loved the way the sun glistened off his hair.

He smiled and joked and loved the entire world.
He and his best friend Gaylord, would pretend to kiss, one would cover up the mouth of the other with their own hand, bend the other one over in a cinematic movie kiss.

It was only later that you might notice that they were kissing the hand that covered the other man’s mouth.

I was so jealous. I wanted to be in his arms, to be held, for him to kiss me.

I never told him… that it was him I was thinking about all nights, while I was in his bed…

You see…

Dennis and his wife moved into their kid’s bedroom while I and “Tam” stayed in “HIS” bed…

For two months… I slept in his bed and then went to work with him each day… (we were both in the army and in the same 4 man squad).

IT WAS HEAVEN, But reality was, I was more into him than her, so she went back home, we broke up, Her parents bought her a corvette, and two months later, she wasn’t pregnant…

-

It wasn’t until my second girlfriend… After I turned my head to look at some guy’s butt and wrecked her/my car… (I had just bought it from her, hadn’t even paid for it yet)

I decided…

I couldn’t pretend anymore…

It was too much… like Brokeback Mountain…