Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,’Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: – ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can’t buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal

He calls me “Superman”, because I go to the gym and workout, but I’m not anywhere what I call built.

He is constantly telling me how much he weighs, and that he is glad that he weighs less than I do, he is proud of it.

But today he asks me, “Are those really a size 31 jeans, or did you change the tag?” (he wears size 34) Is he looking at my ass?

I laugh, and say “yes they are size 31, why do you think I workout and constantly eat apples, oranges & bananas?”

He said “I just thought you liked fruit”

I replied, “Duh! I’m gay, of course I like fruit”

it just ridiculous…

Have you seen it?

The commercial for Geico, the one where the president of the company is talking to the gecko, and he is telling the gecko that if he dresses in a little suit that will make him look more professional.

I think it is just ridiculous, the gecko is not going to look more professional, he is just going to look silly.

Anyway, just my opinion.

Or I haven’t a thing to wear