Its a quiet time for me. not really depressed, just taking stock seeing where I’m at, and if I want to do anything about it.

I haven’t felt like posting lately, not enough going wrong that I feel it is that important to talk about.

but in reality, I never feel that much about talking about my life.

It is easy to see in the eyes of my boss, that he is not really interested in hearing what is happening in anyone else’s life, and that is what turns me off about talking about my life.

It is easy to see that most people aren’t really interested in hearing about your life, because they want to tell you about their life.

Which is a funny thing about blogs, in blogs people take the time to read about your life, and give you encouragement, but in real life it doesn’t happen so much.

Or maybe it doesn’t happen so much to me, because everyone thinks what a great life I have.

And in reality, I must admit that my life is great, sure I don’t have everything I want, but I do have everything I need.

and for that I must be grateful.

At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty.

The alligator, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the “apex predator”, can still fall victim to implemented ‘team work’ strategy, made possible due to the tight knit social structure and “survival of the pack mentality” bred into the canines.

See the remarkable photograph below courtesy of Nature Magazine.

Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the gator preventing it from breathing.

Another dog has a hold on the tail to keep it from thrashing.

The third dog attacks the soft underbelly of the gator.

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Not for the squeamish

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well, sometimes I need to just reach out…

I’m very much of a loner, though sometimes I long for more contact.

But to tell you the truth I think I’m just too lazy.. there ya have it.

Part of my problem, I think I have a short temper, though you wouldn’t know it. I just don’t want to hear the same thing twice, and I do all the time. So that wears me out, well its just not that fun to hear the same stuff over and over.

It is okay if you have a mental problem, then I can deal up to a point. But I get tired of listening to the same old problem, I guess they just want to be listened to.

Sometimes I think the people should just learn to deal with crap, like my boss sometimes will ask me 20 questions about what some customer wants, when all the customer did was leave his phone number so that my boss could call him, sometimes lately, I tell my boss to just call him. After all, My boss knows, I always ask the customer if there is anything that I can help them with.

I get invited to parties in the City (SF) , but sometimes I just don’t feel like driving there, I’m not some huge wit, that always has an entertaining quip or comment, sometime I feel like a bump on the log.

Part of this whole not very social thing, was my upbringing, we were not allowed to talk at the dinner table, Dad worked six days a week, and we were not allowed to bother him on his day off. Mom was asleep by 8:30 every night, and Dad was asleep in front of the TV.

We weren’t allowed friends over the house, and Mom hated the neighbors. When I was 15 all the kids left home except for me, so now I was the only one there with no one to talk to.

So I got used to being alone, and just doing what I felt like doing.

People think sometimes that I’m stuck-up, but in reality, I’m just keeping quiet so I don’t make a fool of myself.

Not that I mind being a fool, as long as I’M the one playing for laughs.

After all to hear someone laugh is a great joy to me, and it feels even better If I’m the one making them laugh.

later

I was sick, Allergies and a Cold… And once again I’m dealing with stuff left over from the bookstore, and that always depresses me.

But there is light at the end of the tunnel, it seems that in order to make the tax lien go away (better than paying for another 10 years, and it is not a trust tax), but to make that go away, I need to declare Bankruptcy, which is another thing that depresses me.

That is the best choice of the choices I can make.

Life is actually good, we have moved and are settled in a new house, and the rent is cheaper than the old place.

We are in town, but in a place called Hidden Valley which is just that, a valley that is hidden in the middle of town, the Agilent Technologies Site across the street (back entrance) uses sheep to keep their hillside weeds under control, and it is wonderful to hear them. There is also wild turkeys in the area. No neighbors have dogs that live in the area full time, so only when the grand-kids visit next door do we hear any barking dogs. At night, it is so quiet that you can hear the crickets chirp.

In this little valley, there is a couple of farms and vineyards that you really can’t see if you are driving fast, but if you slow down you can see them, and it is way cool.

We have gardens all the way around the house, and no neighbor looks down upon our yard, so we can go out naked in the back

The landscaping is on well water and timers, and the landlady pays a gardener to come once a month and weed and trim. we Just have to water our potted plants, and keep our fountains full, we have four of them.

The inside of the house is both smaller and larger than our old place, only 1 bathroom, and the living room, dining area and kitchen are smaller, but the bedrooms are bigger, and we now have a TV room, and a room which is general storage, Art studio, and pantry.

Miss Vickie continues to get better, and Cowboy is visiting her 3 times a week, instead of 4.

She is getting more comfortable with Cowboy handling her finances, which is good, because sometimes she doesn’t pay her bills, then she pays the same bill 3 times. So Cowboy getting that all up to date, and taking care of it will make things easier on her, we are going to tackle her taxes next.

Yeah, yeah yeah, I know, nothing new to post, well thats just where I am right now. to tell you the truth I’ve been busy…

My partner’s mom/dear friend, (not really his mom, but she is sort of adopted, he has known her for 30 years, and is his first partners mom, he died of Aids), she was in car accident three weeks ago, and he has been there every other day to take care of doctors, lawyers, and her other business, so he has been busy, I go with him on the weekends.

She is in rehap now, and is healing faster that the doctor expected, so that is all good, but it is stress full on Cowboy.

We are getting settled in our new house, but that also takes work, and I am dealing with other personal issues that I want to put behind me soon, and be done with (The Bookstore still), who knew that I would be dealing with stuff 7 years after going out of business.

I started a new painting to get back into my art, I have a easel setup now, and am no longer painting in the bathroom, the new painting is a landscape, it is different for me, I am happy with it so far.

When I get a few minutes I also play small worlds on the Facebook account, kinda stupid, but I like it (and it doesn’t cost)

We start Moving tonight – we have both places for a month

John Hefferlin, DD.

To all thinking people there comes a time of deep questioning, when they ask themselves. “What is life?” and ‘What is death?” Before these questions can be answered satisfactorily, however, the most basic question of all arises: “What is God?” To this, no man can possibly give a complete answer.

We have progressed so far beyond the old anthropomorphic concept of a god with human attributes and characteristics, that many people who formerly considered themselves to be atheists or agnostics are now accepting the more modem and scientific approach to God as Infinite Mind, infinite Intelligence. Infinite Energy and Substance. Infinite Wisdom and Love. The magnitude of God is so tremendous as to be beyond the scope of man’s imagination’ God is so vast, so enormous. Everything which exists or ever did exist or ever will exist is within God, from the most inconceivably tiny particle to- -and be -d — the outermost galaxies within the infinity of space. I cannot possibly tell you what God is, but if you will allow me, I can share with you what God means to me

Try, if you will, to imagine the most beautiful and perfect tiny baby you’ve ever seen— only a few days before birth, still in the womb. Imagine that you can communicate with this little one and you ask the question: ‘What is your world like?” Listen carefully and you hear: ‘My world is a wonderful world. Here I am snug, cozy, and warm. I’m surrounded with love and my every need is provided for, even before the need exists I hope I can stay here forever.”

Now you ask another question: “Where is your mother? What does she look like?” You can almost imagine the little facial expression changing to one of quandary. Listen again and you hear: “My mother? I don’t know what you’re talking about. What is a mother? Do I have one?” You smile to yourself as you realize this little one cannot possibly know anything about her mother until long after she’s born and she learns of the parent-child relationship. And yet, she will never be any closer to her mother than she Is right now, since she lives, moves, and has her being within her own mother.

This is very much like my concept of God. We live, move and have our being in God; yet we know very little more about God man does the unborn baby know about its own mother.

Then, although living in a world of comparative darkness, where the horizon is limited to the smooth moist walls and surfaces of the womb, the unborn baby is suddenly filled with but one extremely urgent and miraculous desire: to reach out for broader horizons. Thus, the time for birth arrives and the child is born.

Where does the baby go when it’s born? It doesn’t go anywhere, since it is already here. And yet a whole new universe has come into being, where the horizon is ever- expanding. What is birth? Beyond the biological and physical experience of being ejected from the womb, birth is actually the transition of consciousness as the baby passes from its seemingly one-dimensional world in the womb, out into this world of three dimensions.

Following birth, this little one grows through infancy, childhood, adolescence, and finally reaches maturity, taking its place in the world of adults. Then, eventually, death occurs; it may be the result of accident, illness, or old age, but death does come.

It is now that we face two of the most significant questions in our entire existence.

“What is life?” Life is the manifestation of the vital forces of God, individualized in man as an individual entity, because God is All-in-All. We live, move and have our being in God. That which we are is some part of God, individualized in us as us. We live, therefore, that God may be more adequately and abundantly expressed.

“What is death?” Death is the passing beyond this three-dimensional world into other worlds of varying dimensions—into an ever-expanding Universe with ever-broadening horizons. We die, but we live! Life, as we know it in this three-dimensional world, will continue just so long as the body retains sufficient channels through which the vital energy of God can flow. When enough of these channels cease to function, the body dies. It is like discarding old clothes. In I Corinthians 15:40, the Bible says: “There are celestial bodies and bodies terrestrial: but the glory of the celestial is one, and the glory of the terrestrial is another.”

What happens when the individual passes through death? Where does one go? Just as the unborn baby must pass through the process of birth so that Life shall continue, the individual passes through death for exactly the same reason, to experience greater life! Where do we go when we die? We don’t go anywhere since we’re already there. Like the process of birth, when the baby passes from its “one-dimensional” world within the womb and moves out into this world of three dimensions, death is the passing from this three-dimensional world into that world of many more dimensions. Our consciousness continues to expand in direct relation to the ever-expanding Universe, with its ever- broadening horizons, as it unfolds before us.

Just as the unborn baby cannot possibly perceive that its world is part of and within the three-dimensional world, we apparently cannot and do not perceive that our world is part of, and also within, other worlds of innumerable dimensions beyond this one.

Cowboy’s step-sister passed away last night.

and after we got the call, the world seem to stop. Not that we were shocked, for it was expected, she had stage 4 ovarian cancer.

but there seemed to be a silence that was going on, we were just watching TV, but Cowboy seemed lost in thought while he was watching TV, he didn’t laugh in the usual places.

He wasn’t close, and he feels no need to go over there, I think there is a reluctance to go over there, because even in the easy times, that part of the family finds enough drama in the most mundane things, such as… “isn’t this best pie you have ever eaten, I can’t tell you the recipe because it is secret, but isn’t this the best pie, I’m such a good cook, don’t you think so?”

You watch TV and you see that after someones dies, the whole town drops by and is supportive. but that isn’t real life, is it?

Death, whether you are directly effected or not brings up such issues, when you hear about it. What to say or do, how to go about it, sometimes issues that relate to our own experiences with death, or even issues about our own fears.

What might be considered weird, is that Cowboy is taking a class, and this week the project was to write your own eulogy.

So Monday night, Cowboy dressed up like he was going to a memorial, went to class and read his self-written eulogy to his class, it got me thinking, what would I want written about myself when my time is done?

so these days we have universal access to the internet and everyone feels free to comment on everything.

so everyone does… which gives you…

people who don’t “read”, who don’t try to understand a different point of view, people who just making comments, comments that don’t really address the issue, it becomes mostly just a place for haters of all types to spew their garbage…

and some of it is real garbage…

of course the real damage is what it does to your own mental state of mind. you start to believe that everyone hates you.

and along the way, people forget the real facts, people forget that most people are just one accident away from being out on the streets, they think that because they have a job, and they have health insurance, that they are covered.

my boss thinks that he is safe, but he forgets that he drives a company truck, and that the insurance, gas, and the truck are all company paid, and if the company went away so would those things.

yes maybe his house is paid for, but if he had no company insurance, just one heart attack, the house would be gone.

it sort of makes me laugh, but it makes me cry at the same time, when people talk about, how it is “class warfare”, because we are talking about raising the taxes on the rich, and they talk about how the rich pay 40% of all the taxes and neglect to mention that they make 60% of all the wealth. it seems to me if you make 60% of all the wealth then you should pay 60% of the taxes (i’m not sure of the figures)

for example, I pay taxes, Social Security and medicare on all of my wages, but my boss makes 1.5 times than I do, at some point he stops paying taxes on the money above a certain threshold.

he might pay more dollar wise, but percentage wise, he pays less that I do on the total portion, he might make the case that he pays more income tax than I do, but he gets to write off more than i do, so he actually pays less, and he does not have the expense of a car or insurance or gas, or clothes, because the company pays for all of his.

they think that all the others folks, the ones with no job, no money, are the cause of their own plight, and maybe some of them are, but sometimes the “rules” get in the way.

I once had an employee that was caught in the trap that if she made too much money, the state would take away her state sponsored child care, but how to you get from point A to C without going through point B? She was not trained enough for me to pay her more, yet if she worked long enough for me to train her, and I gave her incremental raises, she would lose the child care and then not be able to stay and work until she got trained enough so she could afford it.

it sort of makes me laugh, but it makes me cry at the same time, when people talk about, how we are becoming a socialist state, just because Obama wants to fix the broken health system.

every issue is complicated, but calling each other names and putting walls does not help.

my boss, i’m sure you figured out by now is republican, and whenever we start to get into some argument at work, I tell him he has valid points and we all need to sit down at a table and work it out, for some reason that shuts him up…

i think sometimes he just wants to hang on to the drama, and i think that is what the commenters are doing as well